“Journey’s are tough, espeshully when that journey is becoming the president of the united states.”
Those words looped across the side of a men’s bathroom stall in what mysteriously appeared to be lipstick during one of our many gas station stops between Greasy Corner, Arkansas and Bucksnort, Tennesse. I had purposely paid our trip planner to reroute through the funniest named towns in America, a veteran move on my part, though, some of the more timid immune systems on our campaign had come down with several cases of food poisoning. And today, those smeared words ring truer than ever, even with the questionable comma usage and general lack of proper spelling. I think that now, without a doubt, I finally have a firm stranglehold on the pulse of the nation.
This journey has not been an easy one, the journey to become to first Canadian to become the President of the United States. Many have told me it’s downright impossible, against the rules. Those rules, I say, need not apply. And tomorrow, millions of voters will go to make the decision that will shape the future of our nation. And as voters head to the polls, think of this, is a politician really the one you want leading the nation?
And while the road has been eternally rewarding, it has been filled with its share of obstacles. The Jesus, Apple Pie, and Baseball Mobile, still a pillar of vehicular inspiration, has gone through two transmissions, a couple sets of brake pads, and countless new paint jobs (thanks in part to the mysterious keying it received whilst travelling through rural Chicago, Boston, and Los Angeles.) On top of that, some people have grown wary of my new social media policies. I would just like to take this opportunity to say that my “Feed the Homeless to the Hungry” policy was actually created because I lost a bet with one-eyed Cajun man in line for Montage.
However, there have been the good times. My new social media policies have been garnering the majority of my success. As president I promise to raise the character limit in tweets from 140 to 175 to allow for more in-depth articulation of America’s needs. I’m ordering Mark Zuckerberg to explain why Facebook seems to change my profile right when I start to get used to the new one.
But I’d have to say that my biggest positive response has been from being the first openly zombie-apocalypse-ready president. My stance on this nation’s awareness of the undead masses has been paramount. This is why I am already in process of forming the “America’s Heroes: Zombie Force”, one of a variety of “America’s Heroes” groups to go along with “America’s Heroes: Finding Bigfoot” and “America’s Heroes: Bear Riders of America”. This Zombie Force will function as our first response team in the case of a virus/outbreak/bio attack. I’m also encouraging American families to build their own ZO kit. The kit goes as follows.
– Proper tools required in fitting your Ford Windstar with a Gatling gun.
– Knives and a length of rope.
– A heroic friend that will sacrifice himself for the betterment of the group when the plot calls of it.
Newly named Vice-President Batman has yet to make an appearance even with the $30,000 Authentic Bat Signal I had installed on the roof of the bus two months ago. Which normally would have caused a bigger stir in the elections except for the fact that every VP debate has been mysteriously sabotaged. Which, subsequently, would have caused an equally bigger stir if it didn’t seem that I am the only one aware of it. Speaking of debates, it’s come to my attention that my recent performance in the final presidential debate in Boca Raton, Florida, was removed from the final cut. So, with much chagrin, I present to you the real transcript from that evening.
OCTOBER 22nd, 2012, LYNN UNIVERSITY, BOCA RATON, FLORIDA
FINAL PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
SCHIEFFER: Good evening from the campus of Lynn University here in Boca Raton, Florida. This is the fourth and last debate of the 2012 campaign, brought to you by the Commission on Presidential Debates. This one’s on foreign policy. I’m Bob Schieffer of CBS News. The questions are mine, and I have not shared them with the candidates or their aides. The audience has taken a vow of silence — no applause, no reaction of any kind, except right now when we welcome President Barack Obama and Governor Mitt Romney.
*Audience erupts in applause as the two candidates walk out onto the stage, shake hands, and take their seats behind the desk. The crowd settles, Mr. Schieffer calmly organizes his notes, dies a little inside, and mumbles*
SCHIEFFER: …and Independent Candidate Taylor Peters.
*A slight murmur permeates the crowd, confusion settles on the faces of the two candidates already seated at the table as Bob Schieffer slowly massages the bridge of his nose. From the dark silence, a single chord is struck on a keytar. Onto the stage walks the third candidate in the debate, instrument slung around his shoulder. Another chord. Someone in the back starts clapping with the rhythm*
PETERS: *pointing out at the crowd and periodically at the two candidates*
We’ve been travelling far
Without a home
But not without a star
Only want to be free
We huddle close
Hang on to a dream
*at this point the candidate forgets the rest of the words and resorts to a 3-minute long keytar solo*
SCHIEFFER: Candidate Peters, may we begin.
PETERS: Of course Bobby, *shaking his hand* what’s a guy gotta do to get a chair around here?!
*a man wearing all black and an earpiece rushes a chair onto the stage.*
*the two candidates smile curiously at the new situations. Schieffer resettles his cards and the debate begins once again.*
SCHIEFFER: Gentlemen, your campaigns have agreed to certain rules and they are simple. They’ve asked me to divide the evening into segments. I’ll pose a question at the beginning of each segment. You will each have two minutes to respond and then we will have a general discussion until we move to the next segment.
*A second man wearing all black hands Schieffer a note and whispers into his ear*
SCHIEFFER: Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just been informed that the Independent party has requested a second mediator to be present in the favor of unbiased representation. Allow me to introduce former NBA player and current CBS Sports Analyst, Mr. Clark Kellogg.
*A tall African-American man slowly approaches the mediator’s table, immaculately dressed. Applause spread through the crowd as he takes his seat alongside Bob Schieffer.*
KELLOGG: Hello Bob, electoral candidates, Barack.
OBAMA: *chuckling* Still sore after that game of H.O.R.S.E.?
ROMNEY: Ah, sports, that reminds me of my old Polo days at the estate.
*Schieffer, realizing he’s losing control of the situation, retakes the group.*
SCHIEFFER: Gentlemen, we have a debate to attend to. Candidate Peters, you clearly rigged the coin toss so the first question on foreign policy goes to you.
*Peters does a small but clearly visible fist pump*
SCHIEFFER: What is your take on our current foreign policy?
PETERS: *shifting confidently*
Well Bob, my policy goes like this.
*Peters raises four fingers in the air*
Nationalism, Nigeria, NATO, and…
*pausing, waving his pinky finger around above his head*
Nationalism a second time. That’s my Four N policies, Bob.
*Peters sits down confidently, smiling at the two candidates beside him*
SCHIEFFER: You have another minute and a half if you’d like
PETERS: I’ve said all I’ve needed to say.
ROMNEY: Bob, if I may.
ROMNEY: I realize this doesn’t exactly go with the question here, but Candidate Peters is meeting the bare minimum requirement of the question! Can we really trust him to lead our nation through a time of crisis? I mean, he’s not even American.
*Peters reels back in his chair*
KELLOGG: Awe man, this guy is like a leaf!
ROMNEY: Read ‘em an weap. Kid.
Most of the debate carried on the same way and it was up until a point where the three were tied. We fast forward now to a later moment in the debate.
ROMNEY: Our Navy is old — excuse me, our Navy is smaller now than at any time since 1917. The Navy said they needed 313 ships to carry out their mission. We’re now at under 285. We’re headed down to the low 200s if we go through a sequestration. That’s unacceptable to me.
I want to make sure that we have the ships that are required by our Navy. Our Air Force is older and smaller than at any time since it was founded in 1947.
We’ve changed for the first time since FDR — since FDR we had the — we’ve always had the strategy of saying we could fight in two conflicts at once. Now we’re changing to one conflict. Look, this, in my view, is the highest responsibility of the President of the United States, which is to maintain the safety of the American people.
And I will not cut our military budget by a trillion dollars, which is a combination of the budget cuts the president has, as well as the sequestration cuts. That, in my view, is making — is making our future less certain and less secure.
OBAMA: Bob, I just need to comment on this.
PETERS: Me too, Bob.
OBAMA: First of all, the sequester is not something that I’ve proposed. It is something that Congress has proposed. It will not happen.
The budget that we are talking about is not reducing our military spending. It is maintaining it.
But I think Governor Romney maybe hasn’t spent enough time looking at how our military works.
*Peters leans over to President Obama excitedly, taps him on the shoulder and whispers something inaudible into his ear. The President hesitates for a moment, nods, and begins again*
You mentioned the Navy, for example, and that we have fewer ships than we did in 1916. Well, Governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets, because the nature of our military’s changed. We have these things called aircraft carriers, where planes land on them. We have these ships that go underwater, nuclear submarines.
KELLOGG: AH! Somebody just went to get some ice cream. Two scoops!
PETERS: *pulling out iPhone* Hashtag….horses…and bayonets.