Campaign Update

Yes folks, the dream is still alive.  Our dream is still alive. For the last few months my cabinet and I have traveled across the nation, shaking babies and kissing hands.  Our bus (which I have dubbed “The Jesus, Apple Pie, and Baseball Mobile”) has seen thousands of miles.  Seeing the beautiful sights of the nation has led me to a deeper understanding of the country.  I feel as if I’ve really come to know the pulse of the country which definitely helps in these kinds of things I’m told.  Today I watched the sunrise, I had stayed up super late playing Call of Duty.  Conveniently enough, many of my military stances are based off of the games.

I’m still on the prowl for a vice-president.  Many critics say that, since I’m not actually running, convincing someone to be vice-president will be a challenge.  So, I’m letting the people decide.

But in the meantime, I have been running the other candidates collective shows at the many debates I have attended.

// the following is a dialogue of the Arizona Republican Primary Debate at the Mesa Arts Center, in Mesa, Arizona.  The debate was presided over by Journalist John King //

JK: Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to the Arizona Republican Primary Debate, please help me in introducing this years Republican candidates for the President of the united states.  Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, Rick Santorum…

(all four men walk onto stage wearing formal suits, stand in formation and wait for the anthem to be sung)

JK: … and Independent Candidate Taylor Peters

(The stage behind the candidates opens and a platform rises, shrouded in smoke.  Standing on the pedestal is Candidate Peters, wearing what appears to be a Captain America costume.  After awkwardly climbing down, Candidate Peters joins the rest of the group.  The anthem is sung and the candidates take their places behind their podiums.)

JK:  Congressman Paul, we begin with you sir

RP:  I’m congressman Ron Paul from texas, I’m the defender of the constitution, I’m the champion of liberty, this shows the road map to peace and prosperity.

RS:  I’m Rick Santorum, and we have a lot of troubles.  I’m here to talk about a postitive solution that include everybody.

MR:  I’m Mitt Romney, and I’m here to say that America’s Promise of prosperity has been broken by this president, and I’m–

(crowd erupts in applause)

MR:  I guess that’s good enough, as George Costanza would say “When they’re applauding, stop.”

(Peters leans into his mic)

TP:  I’m gonna have to politely correct you there Mitt.  The episode you’re referring to is called “The Burning” and nowhere does George ever say “When they’re applauding, stop.”

JK:  Candidate Peters, this is still just introductions.  Please hold off on attacking fellow candidates till the debate begins.

(Taylor sits back, discouraged.  Introductions conclude and debate begins)

JK:  We now go to our sent in question that simply states “Define yourself in one word and one word only.”  Congressman Paul.

RP:  Consistent.

JK:  Senator Santorum.

RS:  Courage.

JK:  Governor.

MR:  Resolute.

JK:  Mr. Speaker.

NG:  Cheerful.

JK:  Mr. Peters

TP:  America.  (fellow candidates collectively facepalm, the audience giggles, Taylor stands from his seat behind the podium.)  Do not laugh at my citizens, for I promise to be the embodiment of what America is supposed to be.  America needs a hero, I’m the hero we need, but not necessarily the hero we want.  We have had enough pencil-pushers sitting behind their desk in the oval office.  I will commit to being a hero for the nation of America.  Boom.  (drops mic, crowd erupts in a standing applause.)

(Taylor walks off the stage, and in a perfect George Costanza voice, addresses Mitt Romney)

TP:   I knew I had hit my high note so I thanked the crowd and I was gone.

(rock music comes over the speakers as Candidate Peters blows kisses and throws “Where We Live” t-shirts into the crowd)

Stay Thirsty My Friends,

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One Response to Campaign Update

  1. Scuzen says:

    I salute you, Captain America! I found my candidate.

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