What’s Wrong With Movies: The Avengers

Like where are all the ugly superheroes.  Just one, hideous, fat, superhero.  That’s all I want to see.  Some guy, who developed telekinesis after playing a year’s worth of Skyrim and eating his weight ten times over in Doritos and Mountain Dew.  You know he’s never going to the gym now, if he can lift weight with his mind.  It makes me think certain specially endowed super-groups, such as S.H.I.E.L.D. and The Avengers, structure their acceptance policy like an Earl’s does.  If you’re gorgeous, but lack some powers or superhuman abilities, we’ll let it slide.

Sure, all the guys in The Avengers have a wide range of abilities.  Mastery of archery, superhuman everything, titanium-metal alloy suit, super solider serum, and being a god, all come in hand when the crap hits the fan.

Enter Black Widow.

A Russian ballerina, turned Soviet spy, turned SHIELD agent.  Gets to parade around the streets of New York with a bunch of GQ superhumans pretty much because she has the uncanny ability of working sexy poses into fight scenes.

I’m all for having her in the movie, don’t get me wrong.  Clearly, they had to give boyfriends something to comeback with when their girlfriends start developing plans to kidnap and force-marry Thor.  However, it seems somewhat redundant when they throw her into a war scene against an alien race with nothing more than Blue Steel and a couple of pistols.  It’d be like the stick guy for a hockey team suiting up and being thrown into a playoff game.  Sure it looks nice, but it’s kinda stupid.

So without further ado…

AVERAGE JOE AND THE AVENGERS

FADE IN:

EXT. HELICARRIER – SUNNY

BARNEY FINNIGAN a.k.a. AVERAGE JOE has arrived via HELICOPTER aboard the prestigious HELICARRIER, a flying headquarters for SHEILD and THE AVENGERS.  He is late and rushes to meet up with the rest of the GROUP.

AGENT COULSON
Barney! Welcome to SHEILD, hope
you made it here alright
(the two shake hands)

AVERAGE JOE
(clutching his stomach)
Uh.. yeah yes and no, I tend to fall
terribly ill when I travel.

AGENT COULSON
I’ll get a medic to fix you up right
after you meet the team.  Right this
way please.

INT. SHEILD MEETING ROOM

THE AVENGERS: CAPTAIN AMERICA, DR. BRUCE BANNER, HAWKEYE, IRON MAN, THOR, and BLACK WIDOW all sit around a large GLASS TABLE in the center of the room.

HAWKEYE
— So Agent Romanoff here tosses me a
pistol and when I go to fire, it’s
empty.

BLACK WIDOW
Well you survived didn’t you…

AGENT COULSON
Team, meet our newest member, Barney
Finnigan.

(Barney shyly waves)

IRON MAN
(turning towards Barney)
Woah, ugly tree.  What planet is he
from?

AVERAGE JOE
Erm…Earth

IRON MAN
Yeesh

AVERAGE JOE nonchalantly scratches his crotch, everyone in the room is slightly disturbed but feels too awkward say anything.

DR. BANNER
Barney, I’ve heard a lot about
you.  You’re a jack of all
trades… right.

AVERAGE JOE
(quietly, clearly star-struck)
Yeah… trades.

THOR
You are quite an odd duck.
Who is this Jack you speak
of?

DR. BANNER
It means he has every skill
imaginable, but can only
develop them so far.

THOR
Like what…

AGENT COULSON
Barney, a demonstration if
you would.

 

AVERAGE JOE reaches and outstretched hand and TELEKINETICALLY lifts a small BALLPOINT PEN off the table.  He then shoots it in the air with a WEAK LASER BLAST from his eyes, FREEZES it with a blow from his mouth and turns it into STONE.

IRON MAN and THOR giggle under their breath.  Suddenly, an alarm sounds in the background.

AGENT COULSON
Alright team, suit up.
(team exits)

EXT. HELICARRIER DECK

THE AVENGERS assemble outside by the QUINJET.  All heroes are dressed in sharp themed uniforms.  AVERAGE JOE enters.

IRON MAN
What the hell are you wearing!

AVERAGE JOE
What! This is my action stuff.

IRON MAN
You’re wearing Nikes, track pants
And a white V-neck with “AJ”
written in sharpie on the front.
And are those wrist bands?

AVERAGE JOE
Hey! These were on sale.

IRON MAN
This is ridiculous.  Coulson,
can you get this guy something
a bit more professional.

AGENT COULSON
What…oh, woah.  Yeah.
Barney, come with me.

 

AVERAGE JOE returns in ten seconds with a LEATHER SHEILD OUTFIT.

BLACK WIDOW
Woah, that was fast.

AVERAGE JOE
Yeah, quick changing is one of
my powers.

BLACK WIDOW
Ah.

 

EXT. – NEW YORK CITY

NEW YORK CITY is under attack from the CHITAURI, an ALIEN RACE bent on enslaving the people of EARTH.  Each member of THE AVENGERS flies off into battle.  AVERAGE JOE awkwardly tumbles onto a building roof.

EXT. – NEW YORK CITY – STREETS

CAPTAIN AMERICA
Hawkeye! Get up high and keep us
posted on patterns and enemies.

HAWKEYE
On it.

CAPTAIN AMERICA
Thor, you patrol the skies.  Black Widow you —

IRON MAN
Wait, where’s the newbie.

 

Just then a MASSIVE CHITAURI WARSHIP swoops by the heroes.  Frantically holding on for dear life is AVERAGE JOE.

CAPTAIN AMERICA
(facepalm)
Why.

AVERAGE JOE
(screaming)
This is a lot harder than it looksin the movies!!!

A CHITAURI WARRIOR sneaks up behind AVERAGE JOE and sends him flying off the side, falling to the ground.  THE HULK rushes and catches him.

AVERAGE JOE
(patting hulk on the back)
Thanks big guy, I owe you one

THE HULK
Hmpf

AVERAGE JOE
(keeled over)

Ah, guys, I think I needto sit this one out.  My
tendonitis is kicking in.

CAPTAIN AMERICA
Whateve—

AVERAGE JOE

Hey, quick question though. Like, how do you guys get
paid.  You don’t have jobs or anything.  Do you just
hope you get free stuff. I never really got that…

Group flies off as AVERAGE JOE tries to shapeshift into a Thor look-a-like.  He disappears into a bank vault that has been recently destroyed.

THE END.

Not bad for an hours work and no editing I’d say.

Stay Thirsty My Friends,
TP

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2 Responses to What’s Wrong With Movies: The Avengers

  1. Jeff Carman says:

    Purely epic, and done in an hour? I loves it.

  2. Hakrer says:

    lol……thanks for the chuckles!! I’m not dropping money to see any movie with superheroes!

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