Thanks to a less than gentle approach to caring for my laptop and a handful of general hygiene issues, my laptop runs for approximately 2 minutes and 12 seconds when it’s not plugged in. Most days it’s not a problem, as most places I stay have a healthy number of outlets. The bus, which I sink a surprising amount of time into, was the one place where I was left disconnected. Hours and hours of having to use my iPod to access the internet instead of my laptop. Life’s tough sometimes.
But thanks to some nifty electrical work, we’ve been blessed with unlimited power for the long lonely nights rumbling around the northwest. Moving on.
I have a problem with most TV bought exercise programs. They fill up commercial time on the NHL network, which is on almost constantly in our player lounge. After seeing each one hundreds of times, the subliminal message have become pretty clear. Every product and program comes with its own set of mind games with the sole purpose to get you to buy everything. From a guy that has been to the gym a few times over the past couple years, I figure I can sift through the majority of hoaxes out there. Just as a heads up, if your AB BUILDER 3000 was advertised like it was a action movie, you’re probably gonna be slightly disappointed with your results. Let us begin.
. If it’s too good to be true, it’s probably too good to be true.
If exercising has taught me anything, its that nothing really gets accomplished (results wise) unless a decent amount of work is put in. Arnold never got to the top of the bodybuilding world by watching TV with a Thigh Master. Just saying. And, while being equal parts athlete and insomniac I’m well versed in the ways of late night advertising. Strapping electronic muscle stimulators around your stomach won’t get you looking svelte as much as trying to persuade your six-pack to appear with a list of pros and cons.
. Look out for the classic tele-marketing moves
We all know the buzzwords “order now” “limited time offer” and my personal favorite “order in the next ten minutes and we’ll double your order”. There is no way, especially now with digital recording, that the companies behind these products could possibly monitor whether or not you’ve made it within the 10 minute deadline. Think about it. Are they going to track every commercial they put onto Television, where it’s played, and when the calls come in? Celebrity endorsements (sorry Chuck Norris), that guy at the end that riddles of disclaimers like a southern auctioneer, these kinds of things.
The term “Revolutionary Breakthrough” is overused
Before I go any further, programs like p90x and Insanity are both quality products. Why? Because they offer a wide range of exercises that attack every part of your body, including cardio. They’re not limited to just “ab blasting” or “pec sculpting”. They also come with an exercise calendar and usually a diet program that, when used together, would be impossible not to see results. But, don’t get pulled in by Tony Horton’s new age “Muscle Confusion” line. Your muscles aren’t sentient, they don’t think about what’s happening to them. They respond to electrical stimulation sent form your brain and contract the same way they did the time before. Muscle confusion is a clever ruse because it could conceivably work. The only way to pave the path of muscular growth is by constantly pushing the limits. Progressively add more weight. It’ll burn but that’s why “no pain, no gain” has stuck around for a while. One of the reasons many people don’t see results is that they do the same workout every time, with the same weight. Your muscles will inevitably plateau. Meaning no results. P90x and Insanity push your muscles.
. No one gets that big by doing crunches
Weak, frail, puny? Ladies and gentlemen the solution to your problems: I give you THE RACK
You see that guy, the one doing the exercises? He hasn’t used “THE RACK” ever before filming this commercial, and you know what, he’ll probably never use it after, even if they gave him a free one. This is what the TV exercise market has come to. Deep voiced movie trailer narrators hyping up a glorified shelving units. It’s kind of pathetic really. Like the point above, using basically a thirty pound weight will work for only so long, after about two weeks you’ll resort to having your kid tie paint cans to the ends of a barbell.
And hey, you can save THE RACK for when you get old and need a Walker to get around. Innovative.
Stay Thirsty My Friends,