I’m a big fan of “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” and “The Colbert Report.” I mean, why wouldn’t I, the two shows have an incredibly large niche market with a substantial overlap. It not only appeals to people interested in politics, but also appeals to people that find politics incredibly boring but still want to be informed. That would be me, and thanks to the internet, I can catch up as frequently as they’re updated.
And since the Presidential elections are coming up in November…
I HAVE DECIDED TO RUN FOR THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
Wait, you may say, doesn’t being the president require some kind of experience, possibly a history in politics. Don’t candidates usually have developed strategies one a variety of subjects. Also, aren’t you Canadian? Nevertheless, I will be the next POTUS. If Obama stood for “Change we can believe in” then I am campaigning for “AMERICA! WHERE WE LIVE.” American’s love capital letters because of the PASSION. I’m a shoe in, just check out my different stances on issues.
I love football, America, Jesus, America, American-made cars, fireworks, the flag, Freedom Fries, working hard, America, various minorities, a good burger, and a matching shake. I sing the Star Spangled Banner before I say my prayers and before I brush my teeth in the morning. I started a war in Monrovia and won it single-handedly, winning every medal. I have a beautiful wife and two children, Freedom (8) and Liberty (2). But most of all, I’m just like all of my voters.
The first question people ask me is “Taylor, how do you plan on creating jobs for the hundreds of thousands of people who are unemployed right now.” And I say simple. If elected president, I will hire said unemployed people to remove every crossing light in the nation. Once completed, I’ll hire the remaining unemployed people to serve as traffic officers at every intersection. The scrap metal will be recycled (obviously) and made into electric cars. Any remaining unemployed people will hired as “questionable bonus” sponges. They will be responsible for soaking up any necessary funds paid to CEO’s. This will be spread evenly.
After joblessness, the economy is always right behind. “Taylor, the National Debt is 15.2 trillion dollars. How do you plan on creating that much revenue in your term.” That is a boat load of money, but don’t worry voters, I’ve got a plan, AMERICA HAS A PLAN. If elected, I will take control of the Federal Mint. Which I can only assume is a government style Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. Then I will print the 15 trillion dollars necessary to bring America back into the positives. “But wait, won’t that cause a vicious cycle of inflation, eventually causing a possibly even greater collapse.” Of course not, all the “real” money we’ll be making will be sent to the various countries we owe money too. Problem solved. Next question.
Canadian teaching practices will be implemented in every school. University remains the same. Economy will become a mandatory class from 1st – 12th grade, but with “printing any money you need” taught as a viable principle.
There will be a federal 9 disc-DVD set sent out to every home in America, it will be an interactive self diagnosis manual that will help anyone who is sick or injured correctly determine whether or not a hospital visit is necessary. The manual will be made from a variety of clips from episodes of House, Grey’s Anatomy, Scrubs, and ER. For those unable to use a DVD, pamphlets will be handed out.
We will make agreements with a variety of countries to spread stories of how the US is such a good military and that no one should mess with them. Eventually, everyone will exaggerate the stories, and by the end of my term we will be 3,000,000 Chuck Norris-esque soldiers strong.
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Also, I’m changing my title into Dictator of the United States of Taylorville, have fun with that.