Abnormally large star
Manger (w/ Baby Jesus)
I guess it’s that time of yeah again when I get to see the “once-a-year” crowd file into church to hear the Christmas story one more time. Heads up folks, little Baby Jesus wasn’t born anywhere near December 25th. Anyways, before I get anymore passive-aggressive I’ll head back in the more traditional direction.
So, as Christmas regime calls for, I’m required to to give you a gift. So, as you sit around your fireplaces and Christmas trees, hopefully this’ll bring a few laughs.
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
at TP’s house
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through his house
Not a creature was stirring, just TP and his mouse,
I typed on my keyboard with passion and flare
In hopes that my readers would stop by and stare
With a yawn and a groan, I shifted in bed
Writing this stuff so late was hurting my head.
With my laptop still glowing from down on my lap,
I had figured it’s time for a five hour nap.
When out on the road I heard something had shattered
I looked up from my screen, “Enough of this clatter!”
Away to my closet, I flew like a flash
My hockey stick ready for new heads to bash
The lamps shone down on where there should be snow
But this was Vancouver, not Denver you know
When what to my blood-shot eyes would appear
But an obnoxious drunk with a six-pack of beer.
He threw back a bottle and emptied it quick
I knew in a sec he thought he was St. Nick
More rapid than eagles, his buzz had not tamed
As he stumbled with trying to come up with names.
“Now Flasher! now, Answer! now, Harold and Dixon!
With Commas and Q-tips! Now Blonde-hair and Fixings!
To the top of porch, to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”
and He sprinted away, his bottles all dry
I was laughing so hard I had started to cry
from visions of Santa replaced by this dude
Some halfhearted version, a St. Nicholas 2!
So I turned back to my bed, when I heard on the roof.
The sound of a jump with a small muffled “ooof”
I crawled out of my bed, and took after the sound
“That phony best not be climbing around”
I snuck up the stairs, just pj’s; barefoot
One stair at a time, silent as I could
As I reached the top step, all I saw was pitch black
While a larger-framed figure had gone for the snack
I continued to sneak no matter how scary
With the stick in my hands I felt wild and daring
As I rounded the corner, I kept nice and low
Not knowing the future or how it would go.
All I saw was his outline against our new tree
He looked like no Santa I had ever seen
He wore simply black, with a long flowing cape
I stood, froze in place, with my mouth all agape
Could this really be?! The legend himself?
Just simply a man with talent and wealth?
Not a merry fat man, with a beard and mane.
After taking my time I finally breathed. “Wayne?”
He turned, quickly lunged and tackled me down
When I saw pointy ears adorning his crown
His voice was quite deep, growling out what he said
“Does it look like I’m dressed in white fur and red?”
“I’m terribly sorry” I managed to say
“I’ll go back to bed and stay out of your way”
He loosened his grasp and went back to the tree
Violently throwing gifts from down on one knee
I rubbed both my eyes “Who on Earth would have thought
Batman is real, and Santa is not!”
He nodded my way as he tore back the screen
“I’m whatever it is, Christmas needs me to be”
Best Christmas Ever,