“Great moments… are born from great opportunity.” -Herb Brooks
Game Day. Last night the team took in “Insidious,” a demon based horror film. So, in response, here’s my
Idiots Guide to Surviving a Horror Movie.
So, you’ve awoken to find yourself being one of the main characters in a horror flick. Maybe there’s shrieking violin music every time you open a door. Perhaps booming bass tones erupt every time there’s a slight disturbance in your kitchen set up. Either way, you are in the middle of it. Follow my Idiot’s Guide to Surviving Horror Movies, and you’ll have a better chance of being in the crappy sequel.
1. Identify What Genre You Are In
You can usually determine what genre you’re in based off of what’s going on in your house, mine shaft, cave, or camp site. Unfortunately, this might not make itself apparent until the first victim dies. To avoid being the first victim always be prepared for something or someone ungodly to go crazy and end you (also, try not being blonde.) How did the first person go, here’s a sub guide.
All Limbs/Head Removed = Slasher
Victim Pulled of Screen w/ Blood = Slasher
Victim Pulled of Screen w/o Blood = Thriller
Major Corporation Develops Magical Treatment = Zombie
Disappearance = Thriller
Abduction = Alien Thriller
2. What Character Are You?
Once you’ve figured out which genre you’re apart of, try and find out where you fit in. Family situations can go either way. If you’re a teenager in a thriller, you’re usually safe. If you’re a teenager in a slasher, you clock is quickly running out. Anyone under ten years old is usually safe. The higher you go in age, the higher the chance you’re going to be passing by the end of the film. If you’re in a zombie movie, you can be a lot of stereotypical templates. If you’re the dumb chick who doesn’t really understand the gravity of the situation, try not to sabotage the rest of your crew’s chances of survival when you eventually walk into harms way. The role of gun totting zombie slayer does have its advantages, you usually manage to show up in a sticky situation and obliterate half the opposition. Unfortunately, it’s inevitable that you’ll eventually be bitten in battle, or have to sacrifice yourself for the survival of the rest of the group. Moving on.
3. Avoid Certain Situations at All Costs
Have you ever seen someone come out of a bathtub without being horribly traumatized? How about staying in a cabin outside of cellphone range? Never antagonize an open grave or tombstone. Try and check with your real estate agent if your new home was made on the remains of ancient burial grounds. Did your doorbell just ring? Try not to venture out into the dark looking for the culprit. Just saying.
4. Be Prepared.
If you’re like me, you’ve always got an escape route. If you’re more like me, you’ve always got enough explosives and firepower on your person to make that escape movie quality. Have locked doors at all times, but, always have the key, cornering yourself will always spell the end. After you make your escape, make sure all of your car’s systems are in working order. There’s nothing more embarrassing then successfully evading your pursuer only to have him slowly walk to your gasless or battery-less car. But that all pales in comparison too.
5. Never Trust The Mothers
They may be trying to protect you, but they’re always hiding something.