Second Hand News

Anthony Crispino, you are a god amongst mere mortals…

Or at least a mortal amongst lesser morals, tomato tomato.  For anyone unfamiliar with Anthony Crispino, he’s a fictional character player by Bobby Moynihan on Saturday Night Live.  Recently I was looking online for any shows I had missed in the last few months and I noticed I hadn’t seen Brian Cranston (Malcolm in the Middle, Breaking Bad) host the show yet.  So I fired her up and sat back and relaxed.   Anthony Crispino’s piece comes during the Weekend Update segment of the show.  His update, aptly named “Second Hand News” is in my opinion the funniest thing on late night television.  I’m sure there’ll be a little bit of the jokes lost in translation, but the gist of the piece is that Crispino gives all of his information based off of second hand sources, so they’re slightly off of the real thing.  For example, the line “Have you heard, Lebron James is gonna be on ‘Miami Vice’ with friggin’ Dwayne Wayne from A Different World.’  Had me cracking up on the bus.

Speaking of bus, we’ve just got back from our Everett roady with four big points in tow.  The boys are really playing well heading into the playoffs, hopefully we can hit that 100 point mark and win the Western Conference.  Last time the Winterhawks did that, we won everything…

For anyone aware of my driving situation, I’ve finally bought a new battery for my car.  Hopefully this one can outlive the last one.  On my way home I had a close call with a blue Honda Fit which got me thinking about some of the more prevalent car incident memories I had.  Made way for some interesting inner dialog.  Here’s what came to mind.

Before the start of season, when it only rained in Portland 80% percent of the time (as opposed to 100% like it does now).  I was heading downtown to check out Powell Books and maybe grab a Voodoo Doughnut on the way back.  Refer to the diagram below.

pictured: how to drive vs. how she drives

So as I approached the intersection I noticed that the driver in the street parallel to me wasn’t slowing down despite the fact that she had the red light.  I looked at her, then the light and then said out loud “she can’t be serious” in a tone that steadily rose to a shout as I entered the intersection a couple feet before her.  Conveniently enough, our paths both took us diagonally across to the corresponding exits.  Needless to say, this created a collision course.  Without even saying any sexist remarks out loud, I managed to survive the ordeal.

So I hit the horn with a flurry to the solar plexus, and that’s why I’m the champ.

Oh, and P.S. Daylight savings is a joke, I want my hour of sleep back.

That’s All For Now.
TP

 

as always follow me on twitter @tpeters25

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2 Responses to Second Hand News

  1. Anonymous says:

    you forgot to mention that since that near-miss on the road, your horn started activating by itself, until eventually your pop pulled the fuse for it. Now you just wave and smile, right?

  2. Anonymous says:

    I’m glad you’re okay!

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